She wasn't lyin...

"You will have to workout for the rest of your life!"

"Working out will have to become part of your everyday!"

 My former trainer, Tammy was RIGHT! I have to admit; I did not believe her. All I had to do was get this FAT off my body and then I would be good. I learned WHAT to eat, HOW much to eat and WHEN to eat - How could I be wrong?

When they say - It's a life style change; they are 1,000,000% correct! There are not many of us that can take weight off and then stop there.

When I moved from Wyoming to Jenison I stopped going to the gym I had been a member of  for about 1 year. I could do it on my own! Tammy had taught me well; I knew the correct form, I knew how to handle weights, I knew how many reps - I WAS GOLDEN! How could I FAIL?! Brian purchased me a treadmill, I purchased weights, I purchased some workout DVDS, workout ball, tension bands...We took a spare bedroom in the new house and turned it into our own little in-home gym. I started off on a roll - I was so PROUD of myself - YOU GOT THIS, KRISTY!!!

In the time we moved into the new house and I stopped using our awesome in home gym - I gained 25 pounds. I just stopped. I stopped watching what I put in my mouth. I stopped being motivated. I stopped wanting to succeed. I just stopped. I had been busting my ass for over 1 year - I deserved to STOP. I was owed some time off. I was a solider for over 1 year and now I was going to be repaid by sitting on my butt and not moving. 1 cookie? Not a problem! 1 bowl of ice cream? Absolutely! 1 candy bar? You deserve it! Diet soda instead of water? It's all the same, go ahead! I worked out so much my metabolism was working on OVERTIME! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

I say this with all honesty - During the months of eating horribly and not working out I was depressed and felt awful. I could not process WHY I was feeling this way - I didn't understand it. I even sought out professional help; some of what I was experiencing was sadness due to the death of my mother, however, I had been sad before and been able to work through it. Not this time. Some may think the connection is far fetched ----- I had no outlet. When I was working out; it was MY time to focus - focus on my sadness, my frustration, my anger, my pettiness, my happiness, my failures, my successes...ME! I needed to work out for my HEALTH and for my sanity!

For ME - I find motovation in GOING to the gym. I find inspriation from others around me. THEY keep me going. I feel accountable. There is no one that will listen to my excuses. When I am not there - People ask where I was - THAT is what I need. I will forever be a gym rat.

I guess what I would say to anyone that reads this and does not belong to a gym - Get active. Do something. MOVE.

I used to think that you needed to BE in shape to go to a gym - HA! What was I thinking? JUST GO! Get up and GO! If you are not comfortable GOING to a gym - then open your eyes and look around...you can workout ANYWHERE at ANYTIME. Do you have stairs in your house? YEP! Bust a move - run up and down the stairs a few times. Jumping jacks. Sit ups. Push ups. Squats. The possibilites are endless. The ONLY thing that is stopping you is YOU. I used to think it was HARD --- Taking care of yourself is the easiest thing in the world. YOU deserve it. I deserve it. WE DESERVE IT!

***This week is in honor of my mother. Feburary 15th will be the 9 year anniversary of her passing. I will NOT dewell on the sadness of that day - I will remember you with joy and love! Every workout that I complete this week, every calorie I burn this week, every bead of sweat - will be in honor of you. YOU made me the person I am today. YOU made me laugh - YOU made me cry. YOU made me proud. YOU were always in my corner. YOU always had my back. Shriley Jean DeKraker - are the best mother a daughter could ask for. I love you.***

It doesn't work - if it's not supported!

I love this quote. I am not talking about ME being an inspiration. I love this quote.

As I sit here in a moment of peace and quiet. I am letting the pride I feel stay. I do not allow myself to feel proud about a lot of things - THIS is one thing I am proud of. I have NOT beaten this beast I carry with me daily, however, class by class, sit up by sit up, making the right food choice by food choice - I AM BEATING this BEAST!

There is NO WAY I would be sitting here with this feeling without the support and love I have been blessed with. These feelings are much easier to type than say --- Anyone who knows me, knows I put up a pretty tough (aka, bitchy!) front at times. I think I am changing on the INSIDE as well as OUT. I am just overwhelmed with the kindness and support I have been shown during this quest for a new life. Could it be with losing this FAT I am losing all of this anger? As I re-read that sentence; it makes perfect sense to me! I am less angry, I am less jealous, I am less materialistic...I AM LESS MISERABLE! Huh! Who would have thought one had a direct connection to the other?!


I digress --- This entry is just my way of saying THANK YOU to every single person that has pushed me, supported me and even denied me a donut (I am not kidding, I used to go around to my co-workers cubicles and ask for "bites" of food! WHO DOES THAT? An addict.) Yep, that would be ME!

 The first person to light the fire inside me; My amazing sister in law, Mischelle. It was right around the end of the year (several years ago) when a bet was made. My brother, sister in law, fiancee and myself decided to put some money on the table and bet which couple could lose the most weight. THAT my friends is where my actions started to change. As I worked with the weight loss program I came to understand that I needed help on the fitness end of things...I just could not get myself to workout! I HATED IT! Tammy changed all of that. She changed my life. She taught me, she put up with me, she called me out, she didn't listen to my excuses...she supported me every single day for 1 1/2 years. I truly love her; Tammy has since moved out of state; pursuing her happiness by following her dreams. We have not spoken to each other in months, I take comfort in knowing SHE KNOWS she changed my life. My fiancee, Brian. He met me when I was almost the heaviest I had ever been - Almost. He loved me then. He loves me now. He will forever be the greatest supporter that I have.(Side note - I remember going on blind date after blind date and being told TO MY FACE that I was just too fat to date. Then I met Brian. Almost 8 years later) --- He is the love of my life.

I feel as though I want to THANK everyone! As I am typing this all these little memories of people doing things that helped CHANGE my life! Even the tiniest of things...Sara (sorry for sounding like I am 12 years old --- She is my BFF!) I was standing in her kitchen just chatting and I was stuffing; and I mean STUFFING chips into my mouth. I knew there was no hunger involved here - I was stuffing because that is what a food addict does...Once Sara realized what was happening she grabbed that bag out of my hand with such force it scared the shit out of me! I could have consumed that entire bag in 8 minutes flat. THANK YOU, SARA! The hundreds of moments that I have had like that with different people along the way - added up are the moments that helped SAVE my life!

Since moving to a new city (same state - new city),  I have been working out at the best studio gym in the entire world! I am not sure if I am supposed to get their permission to use their name but 2 Intense Fitness located in Jenison, MI is AH-MAZING! I have been working out here for a few months and I can honestly say - Each person there is CHANGING my life! The people that I have class with are THE BEST! They are supportive. They encourage you. THEY INSPIRE ME! Over time I have learned their names, I look forward to seeing them every night and I consider each of them my FRIEND...(some of them are my FB friends, so that HAS to mean something, right?!)

Kris, Matt, Taylor, Aaron, Karyn - YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO ME! You push, you yell, you encourage, you support...I say it often and I will say it again -" You are changing lives one class at a time! "http://www.2intensefitness.com/ 

This post is different than the others, however, I felt it necessary at this moment to say - THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Each person that takes the time to read this - You inspire me!

I am a walking oxymoron...



Now this picture was from my surprise 80's themed birthday party a few years back - But the wind suit was tight!! It barely fit. I am pretty sure by the end of the night the a$$ of these pants were busted right out! That was such a proud moment for me...How embrassing. How sad.  



I searched all over the city of Grand Rapids trying to fix my fatness. Yes, you heard me right - I needed to find someone to fix this person that I had turned myself into.


Please understand I do not claim that these thoughts were/ are right. Read my words knowing that nothing I type is directed to any one person.


I had seen people that I knew and people I didn't know get "THE SURGERY" - I dreamed about having "THE SURGERY"...This surgery was the answer to ALL my problems! I would be the perfect person for any sort of gastric bypass surgery. PICK ME - PICK ME! I was morbidly obese. I could hardly breathe when I walked. I had asthma. I had to have all kinds of health issues that I didn't even KNOW about! I was on a mission - I went to doctor after doctor. I had test after test. NO ONE WAS TELLING ME WHAT I KNEW TO BE THE TRUTH! I was sick - I had all kinds of ailments due to being overweight. Guess what?! NOT TRUE! I was told time after time, test after test...I was the healthiest fat person that had walked into these offices. I had NOTHING wrong with me; outside of being morbidly obese.


Wait, could this be true? Outside of being FAT - I was healthy? Diabetes? NO! Sleep apnea? NO! Blood pressure was OUT OF CONTROL? NO! I got it...My cholesterol level was so high I was going to need medication for the rest of my life...NO! NO! NO! NO! I was just fat and had a food addiction.


I went to my primary care doctor and asked, "What am I supposed to do?" I was getting bigger and bigger and there was no end in sight. Poor me...Fix me...I need someone to save me. My doctor looked me right in the eye and said, "Kristy, you need to stop eating so much and get some activity in your life."


Please know that I had spent my life gaining and losing. I would gain 20 and lose 10. I would gain 30 and lose 20. I did have significant weight loss back in 2003. I had put myself on the Atkins Diet and lost about 60 pounds. It worked. I was so excited! I learned NOTHING by being on this diet. As soon as I started eating carbs again the weight came back with a vengeance! A few years back I did Weight Watchers; I lost weight. I learned NOTHING. As long as I was eating my points; I was golden. (18 ice cream bars...YEP! I was eating my points!) I had a proven track record of being able to lose weight.


My doctor did refer me to the best program that I have even been a part of! https://www.advantagehealth.org/services/weigh_to_wellness/
This program TAUGHT me. TAUGHT me my triggers. TAUGHT me that I self sabotage my successes. TAUGHT me how to eat. TAUGHT me what a serving size was.(Seriously, how many people think a serving of cereal is a bowl full? I DID!) This program was a 4 month program with weekly meetings rotated between the doctor, the nurse, the nutritionalist and the behaviorist. THIS PROGRAM SAVED MY LIFE! 

I truly believe that everyone that WANTS to lose weight and become a healthy person. WILL. They will find their moment. The moment that fuels the fire. I truly believe that I was not able to have "THE SURGERY" for a reason. I believe that I was made to do it the LONG way for a reason.

I am one of the most impatient people I know (every single person that knows me will agree!)...I half expect to wake up skinny every single morning. I deserve that, right? My mother is looking down on me with a pride in her heart but a smirk on her face - the most impatient person having to WORK for health and weight loss. HA! Oh Shirley...This fight is for YOU! (AND ME!!!)

Until next time...

...and so it starts!

 I haven been thinking for a long time that maybe a blog of my personal journey to change my life would be therapeutic. Also, possibly something that I have been through or something that I say will help someone else take that first step ------ which is the hardest step to take! TRUST ME! Here we go!!!

 This was me a few years ago. ALMOST the biggest I have ever been. The key word here is ALMOST. I do not think I can bring myself to post the pictures of me when I was at my heaviest. Baby steps...One fat picture at a time. To this day when I type the word FAT - It makes me sick to my stomach. Please do not take that wrong - I have a problem with the word FAT when speaking about myself. FAT has been my life-long partner. FAT has never truly left my side. I am sick and tired of  FAT.

 Honestly, this process started 8 years ago when my mother died. She passed away suddenly and that day has forever changed my life. I loved my mother more than I ever thought you could love someone; my mother let herself die. I say that with tears in my eyes...She could have saved her own life by taking care of herself. She was 52 years old when she died. She died a smoker. She died overweight. She died by her own choices. Her heart had enough.

 When I was growing up I always wanted to be like my mother. I say this with LOVE in my heart; as I grew up I did NOT want to be like my mother. The day she passed away I decided that I didn't care anymore. I became a heavy smoker and I became a heavier person. I packed on the weight. 1 pound at a time. 1 pound. 1 pound. 1 pound. 1 pound. 1 pound. I became 330 pounds. I am 5"2. I succeed at becoming morbidly obese. Hell, I always wanted to be SOMETHING but morbidly obese? Not what I was going for!

 My mothers passing is something that I deal with every single day that I wake up; THAT pain will never go away. It gets better. It becomes manageable. It will always be part of who I am. THIS blog is about my struggle with my weight, food, addiction, success, failure, health and support. Honestly, just typing these words gives me the peace of mind that every decision I have made; right or wrong & every event that has happened; good or bad, has brought me to the point I am SUPPOSED to be at THIS VERY MOMENT in my life.

Until next time....